Jupiter Ascending (2015)

I'd heard that Jupiter Jones was not a good movie. I usually am not really persuaded by ratings on 'Rotten Tomatoes,' so I thought I'd see for myself. But my expectations were really low; after all, here's the synopsis on my DVR:

Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) was born under signs that predicted future greatness, but her reality as a woman consists of cleaning other people's houses and endless bad breaks. Caine (Channing Tatum), a genetically engineered hunter, arrives on Earth to locate her, making Jupiter finally aware of the great destiny that awaits her. Jupiter's genetic signature marks her as the next in line for an extraordinary inheritance that could alter the balance of the cosmos.

My reaction: Wow. This is going to be bad. And the haters were right. This thing is a hot mess. A visually stunning, special-effects masterpiece, but it's a hot mess. The movie starts with Jupiter Jones somberly narrating that she's "[t]echnically speaking... an alien. And from the perspective of Immigration, an illegal one..." Her parents met... blah, blah, blah. Uncomfortable scene where Dad is rubbing Vaseline on Mom's pregnant belly before men burst in, steal his telescope and kill him.

Cue immigration to the US... Jupiter says that she was born in the house of Leo... with Jupiter rising at twenty-three degrees ascendant. This means that she is destined for great things and to find the one true love of her life. Really? I guess that the Wachowskis thought that they were being clever and ironic, introducing it this way, because then we're treated to a too long montage of Jupiter cleaning toilets. Multiple toilets. We are wasting time watching Jupiter clean toilets. And that's just the start, folks.

After I finished the movie, I had 2 thoughts: (1) the special effects looked so realistic, and (2) the movie should have been longer, at least from a narrative standpoint. It's only 127 minutes. They could have used another 30 minutes to flesh out the plot and Jupiter's relationship with the male lead, Caine Wise (Channing Tatum). [Side note: the top 14 grossing action films average 159 minutes.]

Beef up the story and it could have been a good movie. I mean, the premise has potential:

There's a group of transhumans in the universe who are basically immortal because they have developed a formula which rejuvenates their cells. It allows them to live millenia... and it's made by distilling the cells of other humans. These humans are unknowing cattle on worlds owned by the transhumans, with Earth being the most valuable of them all. The Matriarch of the House Abrasax has been murdered and Jupiter is her genetic clone, essentially the Matriarch reincarnated. As such, the ownership of Earth and her royal title fall to Jupiter. The children of the Matriarch have other ideas.

Jupiter discovers her inheritance when minions of the different siblings come to either kill or protect her, which is where Caine comes in. He's there as her protector. The rest of the movie is the siblings' mechanations and Jupiter learning to embrace her destiny.

See? It could have been really good. There are plenty of sci-fi movies and series where the main characters are thrown into situations where they have no idea what's going on and/or with high stakes, the mystery/intrigue is engrossing and you're engaged the entire movie. Charade and The 39 Steps. Rear Window, North by Northwest. Gattaca. The Harry Potter series. Game of Thrones. Inception. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Vanilla Sky. Children of Men. The *first* Star Wars trilogy, for Pete's sake. Ah, what might have been.

Instead, the Wachowskis skipped any type of plot development and opted for visually-amazing action sequences. This is what they should be doing -- imagining how to make mindbogglingly-cool scenes actually happen -- for someone else rather than doing the directing.

I looked at their filmography. Pretty much the only movie that they wrote, directed and produced that was worth anything was The Matrix. (Some people really also liked Bounce, the very first movie they directed.) Everything else was terrible -- yes, I am including the 2 Matrix sequels, which I like to pretend don't exist.

From the beginning, the Wachowskis have shown a blatant disregard for the money they spend creating their 'vision:

• I haven't seen Bound, the first movie that they wrote, directed and produced. It stars *Jennifer Tilly* and *Gina Gershon* as lesbian lovers who plot to steal $2M of mob money. Yes, the Bride of Chucky and the sister of the drugpin in Face/Off are in a movie which was made for $6M and earned $3.8M (not released beyond US)
• The Matrix - budget: $63M, total earned: $463.5M (US $171.4M)
• The Matrix Reloaded - budget: $150M, total earned: $742M (US $281.5M)
• The Matrix Revolutions - budget: $150M, total earned: $427M (US $139.2M)
• Speed Racer - budget: $120M, total earned: $93.9M (US $43.9M)
• Cloud Atlas - budget: $102M, total earned: $130.5M (US $27.1M)
• Jupiter Ascending - budget: $176M, total earned: $183.9M (US $47.4M)

Total spent: $767M, US earned $714.3M. If you leave out The Matrix Reloaded, which people probably went to see because it was The Matrix sequel, they spent $617M and in US earned $432.8M. In fact, their last 3 movies have netted a loss of $10.3M (including the worldwide audience).

But I'm digressing...

Nonsensical plot with Deus Ex Machina out the wazoo? Check. Characters introduced simply to exposit? Check. Stilted conversations between leads? Check. Over-the-top acting by Eddie Redmayne? Check (it was enjoyable, though - he was the only one who got that this should have been acted like a telenovella). A total lack of suspense or emotional investment? Check. Obligatory romance between leads that evolved out of nowhere? Check. Plagiarizing ideas from other major fantasy films? Check. Lots and lots of special effects? Check.

Basically the formula they've been using since The Matrix Reloaded.

Final result? Cotton candy and cheese puffs. They taste great while you're munching them but leave you just as hungry as when you started.

If you don't believe me, read this snarky abridged script by Alex W.

Random things which I just *have* to mention:

• Random blonde who wears nothing but her underwear
• They can't employ The Terminator tactic of just killing anyone who might be the Matriarch?
• Technologically advanced aliens don't know what a cell phone is or remember what the Matriarch looked like, even though she was almost 91 millennia old and was head of one of the most powerful Houses in the Universe
• Stupid egg-selling subplot

• Laser battle in Chicago that no one notices - oh, those Muggles
• Bees swarm Jupiter which confirm that she is the reincarnation of the Matriarch. Has Jupiter *never* gone outside before? How has she avoided being swarmed before, or is it just a convenient plot device to show off new special effects techniques and because they couldn't think of how else to convince Sean Bean that she's the Queen?
• Lame excuse for taking the wolf-man's shirt off. Team Jacob!
• Overpopulation = time to Harvest? Didn't you learn anything from Stargate?
• Olivander's workshop, complete with an Olivander
• Who has ever found mindless paper-pushing bureaucracy entertaining? Why do we have to waste about 20 minutes of screen time on this and toilet scrubbing montages?
• Jupiter's amazing ability to hold on to Caine while he jets around on his gravity boots ignoring g-forces and other laws of gravity

• The fact that Caine's gravity boots make gravity no longer apply to either him or Jupiter when they are holding hands
• Oedipal looks from the sons of the woman of whom I am an exact reincarnation -- sons who had a relationship with me and yet think it is entirely okay to leer at me
• Hawkman wings
• I am the reincarnated Matriarch of "one of the most powerful dynasties in the universe," who makes its money by harvesting thousands of worlds of humans just like Earth and I am going to simply go out on dates with my hawk-wolf-man and scrub toilets, rather than saving all those people being harvested by my House and its competitors
• I also am now owner of my namesake, the planet Jupiter, because my son died, and technically, since I'm the reincarnation of his mother, anything he or any of his siblings inherited would return to me, its original owner, aka the Matriarch

• Chronicles of Riddick, John Carter, Dune, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, the Phantom Menace, the Fifth Element, Harry Potter, Signs, Super Mario Bros, Thor, Ender's Game, Moonstruck, Farscape, Pacific Rim, A.I., Firefly/Serenity,  Stargate, Aliens, Superman, Captain America: the First Avenger, Inception, Battlestar Galactica, Guardians of the Galaxy, Men in Black, the Terminator, Dark City, Flash Gordon, Underworld, Twilight, Universal Soldier, The Hunger Games, Return of the Jedi, Pacific Rim, Galaxy Quest, Spider-Man, Superman, Iron Man, Star Trek, Back to the Future, Push

My Rating: 5/10 (the special effects, I tell you)

Links
IMDb page
Wikipedia page
Jupiter Ascending script
DailyGeekette - “The Chick Flick” Redefined: The Importance of “Jupiter Ascending”
Esquire - So You're the Only One You Know Who Likes Jupiter Ascending: A Survival Guide
Everything Wrong with Jupiter Ascending in 19 Minutes or Less
Vanity Fair - What the Marvel Universe Could Learn from Jupiter Ascending


Bloggers Who 'Explain' How the Movie is Part of the New World Order
ThroughAncientEyes - "The Wachowskis couldn’t have made it any plainer."
Beginning and End - Jupiter Ascending or Lucifer Rising: A Film Promoting the Illuminati's false gospel
Deus Nexus - The Esoteric and Extraterrestrial Meaning of Jupiter Ascending

Do I buy it? From what I've seen, the Wachowskis are too wrapped up in the tricks to think that deeply about the actual storyline. I read these and thought "Um, okay, sure. And Santa = Satan!" (Church Lady reference)

Reviews
BusinessInsider.com - 'Jupiter Ascending' is one of the worst movies you will see this year
Christianity Today review
Crave.com - ‘Jupiter Ascending’ Review: Hail to the Queen
TheDailyBeast.com - Give Eddie Redmayne All the Awards… For ‘Jupiter Ascending’
Dino Bone blog - A Conversation With Myself About Jupiter Ascending
Esquire - 10 Things That Make Jupiter Ascending the Worst Movie I've Ever Seen
Huffington Post - Oh, No, I Really Liked ‘Jupiter Ascending’
I Don't Like to Go Outside blog - Jupiter Ascending: The Good, The Bad, and The Beautiful
Joe Gross at the Austin American-Statesman - ‘Jupiter Ascending’ is the first truly awful movie of 2015
KatyTrail Weekly - Bad Script Brings 'Jupiter Ascending' Back Down to Earth
LadyGeekGirl and Friends - Jupiter Ascending is a Gorgeous, Amazing Disaster of a Movie
TheMarySue.com - Review: Jupiter Ascending Is The Worst Movie Ever Go See It Immediately
Minnesota Connected - Movie Review — ‘Jupiter Ascending’ Plummets
NerdApproved.com - Review: Jupiter Ascending Is The Biggest Hot Mess Of The Wachowskis’ Career
Wired - Go See Jupiter Ascending, Even if It’s Stupid (And It Really Is)