Trading Places: One of Those Movies that Should Never Be Remade

I was channel surfing today and came across an old favorite on AMC: Trading Places with Dan Aykroyd, Eddie Murphy, Jamie Lee Curtis, Don Ameche, and Ralph Bellamy.

For those of you who haven't seen it, it's the story of two men: Louis Winthorpe III (Dan Aykroyd) and Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy). Louis is a filthy-rich stock broker who has everything: a butler and driver, a 'fabulous' girlfriend, and a dream job working at a commodities brokerage firm for brothers, Randolph (Ralph Bellamy) and Mortimer (Don Ameche) Duke. Billy Ray is a street hustler who will stoop so low when panhandling that he pretends to be a legless veteran. Louis has him thrown in jail when they bump into each other because he thinks Billy Ray is trying to rob him.

Randolph and Mortimer have been arguing about whether it is the environment or genetics that determine how someone turns out:

Mortimer: Winthorpe is a very steady young man. We're lucky to have him managing our firm.
Randolph: Oh, hogwash. Exeter, Harvard - he's the product of good environment.
Mortimer: It's got nothing to do with environment. With his genes, you could put him anywhere and he'd come out on top. Breeding, same as in race horses. It's in the blood.
Randolph: That man is a product of a poor environment. There's nothing wrong with him, I can prove it.
Mortimer: Of course there's something wrong with him... He's a Negro! He's probably been stealing since he could crawl.
Randolph: Given the right surroundings and encouragement, I'll bet that that man could run our company as well as Winthorpe.
Mortimer: Are we talking about a wager, Randolph? I suppose you think Winthorpe... say if he were to lose his job, would resort to holding up people on the streets.
Randolph: No, I don't think that would be enough for Winthorpe. We'd have to heap a little more misfortune on those narrow shoulders. If he lost his job and his home and his fiancée and his friends. If he were somehow disgraced and arrested by the police and thrown in jail, even. Yes, I'm sure he'd take to crime like a fish to water.
Mortimer: You'd have to put him in the wrong surroundings, with the worst sort of people. I mean real scum, Randolph.
Randolph: We've done it before. This time it's in a good cause.
Mortimer: How much do you want to bet?
Randolph: The usual amount.
Mortimer: Why not?

As you can tell already, this is not going to be a politically-correct film.

A Victim of Poor Advertizing: Knowing

Back in 2009, I was excited to see this new movie, Knowing. The ads, like the one above, said the movie involved some sort of mystery, involving creepy messages from aliens and Nicholas Cage unraveling the truth.

What I got was something very different.

And me disgusted at this cheap fakeout by advertisers.

I typically don't like to reveal things in my reviews, but to adequately discuss this movie, I have, so if you don't want spoilers, don't read further.

Knowing tells the story of John Koestler, a university professor and astrophysicist, who sets about investigating the strange numbers found in a time capsule from 1959 that was dug up at his son's elementary school. The piece of paper, found by John's son, Caleb, is a long string of numbers written down by Lucinda Embry, a girl who heard voices and who was compelled to transcribe them (continuing in the coat closet when she was interrupted, leading her to be banished to a mental institution). John is intrigued by the numbers and then becomes obsessed in figuring out what they mean when he notices the date, location, and death toll of the 9/11 attacks located within them. He eventually figures out that the numbers detail "every major global disasters in the last 50 years." This, combined with the three remaining dates, and the strange "whisper people" who seem to be stalking his son, leads him to believe that his family plays a role in the events that are about to unfold. John tries to hunt down Lucinda, discovers she has died; instead, he connects with her daughter, Diana, and her granddaughter, Abby, who, like Caleb, is being visited by the whisper people. He and Diana, convinced their children are in danger, set out on a quest to stop the impending tragedies.

From the trailer (above), you see Caleb looking the piece of paper, while a whisper man looks on. Later, Caleb interacts with a whisper man who shows him a vision of fire and destruction and then he screams because of the whisper men. Another trailer (which I couldn't find) had 2 whisper men watching their house like stalkers. That, combined things like them vanishing into thin air and the floating stones (like to see when a UFO hovers above), left me thinking that this movie and its mystery had something to do with aliens who were targeting these kids.

The movie, however (and stop now if you don't want spoilers), is not about aliens. It's about something all together different.

Season of the Witch (2011)

The movie starts with a priest commanding 3 women to confess and repent of their allegiance to the dark lord, Satan. They all claim innocence and even after they confess, the priest still has them hanged off of a bridge. The bodies are then dumped into the water. Later, the priest pulls up the bodies so he can do the 'spiritual' incantation over their bodies and send their evils souls to hell before they can exact revenge. But he's not quick enough and is killed by one of the women, who magically burns his Bible and is miraculously not dead.

Then the movie jumps to the adventures of Behmen (Nicholas Cage) and Felson (Ron Perlman), two 14th-Century crusaders who eventually, after some gruesome battles, become disillusioned with their quest and go home to Hungary. On their return, they discover that it has been devastated by the Black Plague. Sorcery is named the cause, and the church has caught the witch responsible. The church commands the two knights to transport the accused witch, known only as The Girl (Claire Foy), to a remote abbey, where monks guard a crumbling ancient tome containing the only known incantation that can exorcise her. In return, they will receive a full pardon for their desertion. Behman agrees, intent on getting The Girl a fair trial.

A Director's Arrogance: The Star Wars Saga

When I was six years old, I was treated to a movie whose impact on my life and my imagination I don't think has an equal: Star Wars. I'm pretty sure that I went for my birthday, like I did for the next two films, since they were all released at the end of May and my birthday is at the beginning of June. I remember being in love with this movie: I got all the action figures, including two Jawas and one of the Imperial lackeys, an X-wing and tie fighter, a land speeder, and the special comic book with some scenes not in the movie. I didn't play with dolls. I played Star Wars.

By the time the movie had left theaters, I had seen it seven (7) times. (Do you hear that Lucas? Seven times in the theater. And that means at least one other adult ticket. Seven times.) After my brother was born and discovered it, I can safely say that I've watched the original film over 50 times. (Do you hear that Lucas? My brother watched it every day for probably six months. Daily, at least once.)

As a kid, I salivated at the idea of prequels and sequels; there were supposed to be both, for a total of 9 films, and I couldn't wait. I had all three soundtracks on record; the Death Star, complete with the monster that almost strangled Luke; the 12" Leia and Han; the collectors case; Wicket, the girl, and a baby Ewok; and the glass set. I pretended I was Han and Leia's daughter, who was gifted with the Force. My friends and I reacted with disbelief when Vader told Luke he was his father and swore that it was a lie to try to corrupt Luke. We talked about it while waiting in the lunch line. We wondered what Yoda meant when he said 'there is another' and how Han was going to be saved from carbonite. It was something that stuck in our consciousness.

In 1997, I was one of millions who traveled to the theater to watch the so-called "Special Editions" of Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi. They didn't seem so special to me. In fact, some of the stuff that Lucas added was pretty lame. Some of it was irritating. And some of it was darn-right insulting.

Contagion (2011)

The movie starts on Day 2 with Beth Emhoff (Gwyneth Paltrow) talking on the phone. Her nose is slightly red and she has a cough. Nothing to worry about. She's on the phone with someone and it's soon clear that her recent rendezvous is not her husband. During her layover from a business trip in Hong Kong, she hooked up with an old flame.

A montage of other people: a young man in Hong Kong, sweating. A model in London, who skips her go-see and is later found dead in her hotel. A Japanese businessman convulses and dies on a bus. It is captured with a camera phone. The young man in Hong Kong wanders out of his apartment, obviously sick, and stumbles out into the street where he is hit by a bus.

We see Beth returning to Minneapolis to her husband, Mitch (Matt Damon) and their son, Clark (Griffin Kane).

Day 3.

We meet Dr. Ellis Cheever (Laurence Fishburne) who works at the CDC (Centers for Disease Control). Mitch picks up his son from school, who has started feeling sick. At a newspaper, a blogger named Alan Krumwiede (Jude Law) has a theory about the Tokyo bus incident: mercury poisoning in fish. He threatens the editor with a lawsuit if she steals his story.

The Terminator (1984)

  I'm not talking about Terminator 2, which seems to be more 'popular.' Whenever I ask people why they liked it even more than the original, they always say it's because of all the amazing special effects. Special effects. Not the story, not the acting, but what they were able to do with computers.

A far superior movie is the original.

You probably know the basic story, since this movie has spawned 3 sequels as well as a TV series: in the future, an military artificial intelligence called Skynet causes a nuclear war, which kills most of mankind. Those who survive are hunted down and exterminated by 'cybernetic organisos,' sophisticated androids that look and smell human (except to dogs). One man rises to lead mankind to take back the planet: John Conner. He was so successful in this rebellion that ultimately Skynet was on the verge of defeat, its defense grid destroyed. In a last ditch effort, Skynet resorted to the one weapon it had left: sending a terminator back in time to blot out the problem before it even gets started.

This leads to a naked Arnold Schwarzenegger, in all of his Mr. Universal flexing glory, walking up to a group of punks and demanding, "Your clothes. Give them to me. Now." It's kinda awesome when he flings the 'Punk Leader' (Bill Paxton, center, who has been in several Cameron films) into that wall or when he marches into that bar to steal a page from the phone book. It's only after he knocks on a random woman's door and coldly shoves his way into her house to shoot her dead (after simply asking "Sarah Connor?") that we get how hard core and cold this person is. At this point we don't even know who (or what) he is, just that he is a cold blooded killer.

A Trailer for Every Academy Award Winning Movie Ever

For all of you out there who love movies, I thought you might enjoy this clever 'trailer.'

A Trailer for Every Academy Award Winning Movie Ever -- powered by Cracked.com

A Quote From Bette Davis

I get the title of my blog from the legendary Bette Davis: "I don't take the movies seriously, and anyone who does is in for a headache." I don't want to cause any headaches and I sure as heck don't want to get any, so I hope that my musings on movies help you discover some new movies to enjoy, remind you of movies that you want to watch again, and maybe warn you away from ones which should be avoided.

Everyone's tastes are different. Mine like pretty much anything, as long as it doesn't include gratuitous sex, violence, or gore; psychotic killers and other creepy things; and what I like to term as bawdy humor. And stupidity. I don't like stupidity. I don't like movies where things just conveniently happen or where we're just supposed to accept things because the screenwriters were too lazy to actually develop things. Give me something good, people!