2012 (2009)

Back in the early 21st Century, doomsday advocates were claiming that the world was going to end on December 21, 2012. Their reason? The Mayan calendar was ending after 5,126 years. Back in 1966, Michael Coe claimed that Armageddon is supposed to happen on the final day of the current (13th) calendar and the present universe would be annihilated. Later scholars questioned the validity of his assertions, but as 2012 approached, the idea that the world would end started to gain traction in public consciousness. Y2K, 9/11, Hurricane Katrina and the financial collapse in 2008 only added to the sense of doom. (See this article and this article.) In 2009, Roland Emmerich made a movie about it.

Religious fervorents have been predicting the end times for years. This was the end of the 13th baktuns of the Mayan calendar, so it must be bad. Personally, I rolled my eyes at the idea. The world didn't end and begin again back in 3114 BC. (I think they would have noted that in the Bible and other ancient texts. Here's a link for a list of when things happened in the Bible.) So why would it happen now?

Of course, modern-day Mayans also roll their eyes and sigh with exasperation at this distortion of their beliefs. The head of the Guatemalan confederation of Mayan priests, Jesus Gomez, said in this article in the Telegraph that "There is no concept of apocalypse in the Mayan culture."  But when had that stopped holiday from making a disaster movie?

And make a disaster movie, they did. They spent about $200M on this ridiculous blockbuster which follows American geologist Adrian Helmsley (Chiwetel Ejiofor) and struggling writer Jackson Curtis (John Cusack). (It made much more than that, but it's still $200M). The events in the movie are based on the theory of Earth Crust Displacement. (It was posited by a guy who didn't have a background in any type of science, let alone Plate Tectonics, but why base things in reality?)

There's a lot of pseudoscience thrown around. (The laws of nature don't matter.) High-stakes drama! Kids in danger! Death and destruction! We meet characters and are supposed to care what happens to them! John Cusack escapes death many times! More coincidences than actually possible ensure that our heroes make it to the end. Prepare to check your brain at the door. But once you do, it's a fun ride. (My mom cackled with laughter throughout the whole thing.)

The movie starts with Adrian's friend, Satnam, discovering that solar flares are going to cause the end of the world as we know it by melting the Earth's core, which will cause the crust to break loose and shift (see links below for why this is not scientifically sound).

Adrian passes this information on to the President President Wilson (Danny Glover), who in turn tells the leaders of the G8 of the impending doom. They all start to prepare but don't tell the masses, except for the rich ones. They need the rich people's money to finance their project.

The President's daughter, Laura (Thandie Newton), heads up the team charged with saving the world's art treasures like the Mona Lisa (which is, of course, much larger in the movie than in real life). White House Chief of Staff, Carl Anheuser (Oliver Platt), is Adrian's main antagonist in getting the government to do anything, and from the beginning, you know the guy is a total jerk.

By the time 2012 rolls around, China has built arks for itself and the G8 nations. Russian billionaire, Yuri Karpov (Zlatko Buric), has spent 3B Euros on 3 tickets for himself and his twin sons -- but not his girlfriend or any of his other staff, which includes the movie's hero, Curtis, who works as his chauffeur.  I mentioned earlier that Jackson is a struggling writer. He's also divorced with 2 kids, both of them spunky, of course. His ex, Kate (Amanda Peet) lives with her plastic surgeon boyfriend , Gordon (Tom McCarthy).

Jackson takes his kids, Noah (Liam James) and Lilly (Morgan Lily), on a camping trip to Yellowstone National Park. Unfortunately, the impending catastrophe has caused the Army to block off part of the park. The family climb over the fence and are caught, which causes Adrian and Jackson's paths to cross.  Adrian, coincidentally, is a fan of his only novel, 'Farewell Atlantis.' (One of 422 people who bought it.) This gets Jackson and the kids released.

They then get accosted by Charlie Frost (Woody Harrelson), a conspiracy nut who is *sure* that Yellowstone is about to become the world's largest volcano. (Meta moment where Charlie declares that "something like this could only originate in Hollywood!" Religious nut moment from one of his radio callers: "Our family believes in the gospel of our Lord Jesus. We have nothing to fear.")

Jackson checks out Charlie's blog and video:

In the year 2012 a cataclysmic event will unfold. Caused by an alignment of the planets in our solar system that only happens every 640,000 years. Just imagine the earth as an orange. Our sun will begin to emit such extreme amounts of radiation, that the core of the earth will melt - that's the inside part of the orange, leaving the crust of our planet free to shift.

In 1958, Prof. Hapgood named it `Earth Crust Displacement' and Albert Einstein endorsed it. The forces of mother nature will be so devastating it will bring an end to this world on winter solstice 12-21-12.

[See links below for more information about Charles Hapgood and his Earth Crust Displacement theory.]

Charlie tells Jackson that all the governments know it's coming, but aren't telling anyone to keep the world from devolving into pandemonium. Only if you're some Sheik, Bill Gates, or maybe ***one of those Russian billionaires*** do you stand a chance to buy a seat on the spaceships they're building. (Aren't those writers so clever to foreshadow that Russian billionaire Jackson works for?) His bug-eyes make him look totally crazy.

Subtle, this movie is not. Kate and her boyfriend, Gordon, are at a supermarket. An earthquake splits the earth, and the crevasse forms *right between them.* (I guess the impending catastrophe is gong to separate them, hunh?) Yuri gets a page to "start boarding  procedure" and pages his chauffeur, *Jackson,* to go pick up his boys and take them to his private plane. One of the boys snarks that they're going on a big ship and will live, and Jackson will die. (Must be destiny! Fate!)

Jackson immediately realizes what's going on and immediately (1) rents a plane, and (2) rushes in his limo to go get Kate and the kids. Huge earthquake hits as he arrives at the house. Everyone (including Gordon) barely escapes before the house collapses. Then they traverse the streets of LA -- which aren't crowded at all, even though LA's streets are *always* crowded -- and the wave of destruction erupts behind them. Cue the ridiculousness. Random people running. Old ladies blocking the road. Driving through a collapsing building. More random people running.

When they reach the airport, their pilot is dead, but luckily *Gordon* can fly the plane. Cue more ridiculousness. Ground collapsing in on itself, dodging the tumbling high-rises -- but, of course, the air currents *don't* suck the plane down, because this is a (super) Cessna. California slides into the sea. Jackson tells Gordon to head to Yellowstone. (Even though it's supposed to become a super volcano.)

Knowing that the end is starting, Adrian calls his dad, Harry, who we met a little while earlier. He performs on a cruise ship that's out to sea. His buddy, Tony, is estranged from his son for marrying a Japanese woman. Tony calls and gets his granddaughter, but an earthquake cuts the connection before he can talk to his son. Then the ship is hit by a huge tidal wave.

Jackson (and Lilly, because we have to have a kid in danger to make things more dramatic) head to find Charlie, to get a map to where the spaceships are. The volcano explodes. To again quote the screenplay: "THE BIGGEST EXPLOSION THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN..." (This is, of course, soundless to Kate, Gordon and Noah because: "To them, all this occurs in total silence. The sound of the eruption has not reached them yet." Once it does, there isn't any type of blast wave that accompanies it, even though it's THE BIGGEST EXPLOSION THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN. And "[t]he forest and the camp grounds are mown flat by the extreme force of the Ash Cloud.")

Charlie is broadcasting and -- in true conspiracy-nut fashion -- is enjoying the heck out of the show. (I have to say, I did enjoy Woody Harrelson's performance as crazy Charlie. Totally unhinged, in a non-threatening way. You can tell that he's enjoying himself.) "Flaming rocks fly towards him. When they hit the ground, they detonate like fire bombs." Right before he dies, he tells his listeners: "Folks, always remember, you heard it first from Charlie!"

(Why this makes any type of logical sense, I don't know. I'm not talking about Charlie watching the explosion and broadcasting - that goes with his conspiracy-nut ramblings. But what doesn't make sense is telling his listeners to remember that they heard about it first from him. Aren't they going to be dead very shortly? Would they even have time to *remember* they were listening to his short-wave broadcast?)

Jackson ends up driving Charlie's RV. "Rocks plummet like comets around the RV as Jackson races over a collapsing bridge." He races to get back to the plane. (It's all very dramatic.) One of the flaming rocks even hits the RV. To quote the screenplay: "A firebomb hits the RV, ripping half the roof off." Now, the impact of all the other flaming rocks, which "detonate like fire bombs" when they hit the ground, creating craters and the like. But this was a benign flaming rock. It only takes off half the roof. It doesn't cause the RV fly through the air from the force of the impact, nor does it cause Jackson to lose control of the RV. It only rips off part of the roof. And then, to quote the screenplay: "Moments later the RV is airborne!"

But, again, movie magic makes the RV act like the General Lee and it lands with no problem. Jackson makes it back to the plane. Kate hurries Lilly over to the plane while Jackson hunts for the map in the RV. The flying rocks are reaching the airfield now, so Gordon wants to take off. Everyone else screams at him to wait for Jackson. The RV sinks into a crevasse, and it seems like Jackson's dead.

But Jackson was able to scramble out of the RV! He climbs out of the crevasse, *with* the map. He runs, jumps into the plane (with the help of Kate) and the plane takes off just in time. The huge Ash Cloud's ash *doesn't* cause cog the engines and cause them to fail, nor does its blast wave - which mows things flat - cause the plane to crash. They're able to escape. The map says the ships are in China so they head to Las Vegas to get a bigger plane. Because there will just be a spare plane with keys in it waiting for them.

Imagine what happens... Las Vegas just happens to be where Yuri and Co. went in their Gulfstream. It's stuck in a pothole. (Too bad they didn't use a super Cessna.) Even more coincidentally, Gordon is Tamara's (Yuri's girlfriend) plastic surgeon. (Isn't it such a small world?) Yuri's man, Sasha, finds an Antonov 225, the biggest aircraft in the world. Yuri proudly quips: "It's Russian." It was grounded by the tower because of the approaching Ash Cloud. They need a second pilot -- even though there are the original pilots in the terminal -- which means that Jackson and Co. get to go with them.

They barely escape the Ash Cloud as it engulfs the airport. The take off rips off their landing gear. They planned on refueling in Hawaii -- but those volcanoes are erupting, too, and Hawaii turns into one big flaming clump of land.

President Wilson decides not to evacuate, but sends Laura with Adrian to the safety of China. She's pissed about being left in the dark and the social injustice of it all. Adrian waxes philosophical about fate and how "nature will choose itself from itself." He asks her the odds of Jackson ending up on their ship. They agree that they're pretty slim to none.

Adrian and Anheuser clash and Anheuser is the stereotypical jerk in power who doesn't care about anyone but himself. (We already concluded that because he was practically heartless when he talked about how leaving his mother behind was for the best because she's Alzheimer's-stricken and it would be scary and confusing.)

Earthquakes start to destroy the continents. The Washington Memorial crumbles. The Sistine Chapel's ceiling cracks through 'The Creation of Adam,' symbolically dividing man and God. St. Peter's Basilica collapses and its dome rolls over the large crowd gathered to pray. The Christ the Redeemer statue in Rio crumbles. The quakes also cause massive tidal waves. One sends the U.S.S. John F. Kennedy to demolish the White House (and kill President Wilson). (Isn't that just cleverly ironic?)

Jackson and Co. almost make it but their plane runs out of gas over the Himalayas. Luckily, the Antonov just happened to be stocked with cars, because of the Las Vegas Auto Show. The group (minus Sasha, the pilot) *drive* out of the cargo hold to land on the ice. The Antonov ends up falling off a cliff and exploding. Bye, Sasha.

Then the script writers show how much they know about science: "Several Chinese Mil-26 choppers airlift animals over the mountain pass. Giraffes, zebras, even elephants hang by huge straps from these flying machines." Que elephant trumpeting. It's snowing, wind blowing and below freezing. They're carrying animals with no type of cover or insulation, animals who are from a place whose average low temperature is 68*F. How are they *not* going to freeze to death? How could anyone possibly *not* think of that? I mean, I know that the scenes were shot on a sound stage (how else could the monk be able to wander around the Himalayas sleeveless?) but still, as ridiculous as the events in this movie are, this is the one that just irks me.

One of the helicopters stops to check on the group. (I guess they saw the explosion.) Their commander just happens to speak English. "Welcome to the People's Republic of China." He asks what color their passes are. (Oh, so he was trained in English so that he, an *officer* in the Chinese army, can take boarding passes.) Only Yuri has passes -- green -- so the helicopter leaves the rest of the group to die of exposure. Yuri gives them a 'see ya!'

But luckily... a rusty old truck appears, carrying the monk, Neng, and his parents. When they reach his brother, Bro Lin doesn't want to take Jackson & Co. Kate makes an impassioned plea and Mom makes him do it.

Adrian and the rest arrive at the ships. The Captain of the American ship informs them that one of the ships is a total loss because Earth's crust shifted. In a moment of true karma, Yuri and his boys are among the group that was supposed to be on Ship 4. Only three of the nine ships are complete. (Apparently, even though they have billions of Euros and over a billion people in China and life as we know it is going to end unless these ships are completed, they didn't enough time to finish.)

Another moment to show what a jerk Anheuser is: Satnam, the guy who is the reason they had time to prepare, didn't get picked up and evacuated. He's there to see (and die because of) a tidal wave coming from the east. He calls Adrian to warn him before he dies. When Adrian complains to Anheuser, Anheuser doesn't care. After all, it's a confusing time and these things happen.

The waves are more violent and faster than expected, so the countdown clock gets moved from 02:09:07 to 00:28:10. Sirens go off and there's a mad dash from the passengers of the broken ship to get on another ship. Lin tells them to hurry. There's a precarious crawl by Jackson & Co. but they make it on board the ship. Tamara sees Caesar (her dog) and calls for him, so there's a dramatic moment where Caesar scurries across the beam and into her arms. She almost gets crushed by the closing door, but makes it inside with enough time to flip Yuri the bird.

Adrian and Anheuser clash over the other ships taking on the stranded passengers, even after Adrian points out that there's *plenty of room.* Anheuser argues that there's not enough food for the extra passengers and the moment then gets massively cheesy: Adrian pleads with the rest of the world leaders to open their gates and let the rest of the people in!

I know we've all been involved in making difficult decisions to save our human civilization. But to be human means to care for each other, and civilization means to work together to create a better life. If that's true there is nothing human and nothing civilized about what we're doing here. Ask yourselves... Can we really stand by and let all those people out there die? A civilization that allows that, does not deserve to survive. Or at least I don't want to be part of it... I beg you... whatever our future holds don't let us start it with an act of cruelty. What will you tell your children... and their children?

Laura adds that her father would do it, which, of course, persuades all the other leaders, because Americans know best... (It's supposed to be stirring and affirming of how humanity doesn't listen to the likes of Anheuser, but it's really just cheesy.)

Because the gates reopen, Jackson & Co. are in danger again. Gordon ends up falling into the gears of the ship's gate and he dies. Yes, folks, it's Gordon who dies, not any of the other people but the impediment to Kate and Jackson getting back together. Crushing a human skeleton doesn't stop those gears, but the drill Lin was using does. (Not before it grinds up Lin's foot, though.)

More cheesiness where Yuri dies from losing his balance and falling into a pit as he shoves/throws Alec up. (My mother laughed really hard at that part. It is pretty ridiculous.)

The gate to the ship Jackson & Co. are on won't shut because of that darn drill that got stuck in the gears. Unlike any other gears that reverse when they go in the opposite direction, these gears only go one way. Some genius designed the ships so that the engines won't start unless the gates are closed, so when the tidal wave arrives, they have no way to buffer themselves. Water starts to flood the ship so compartments start closing. Tamara gets locked into one (but not her dog) and drowns.

Air Force One crashes into the American ship and knocks it free. It starts floating toward Mount Everest.

Adrian tells Jackson (over a wall speaker) that unless they dislodge the drill, everyone will die. Jackson (and then Noah, because endangering children makes a moment more dramatic) dives into the water and manages to dislodge the drill. The ship's engines start in time to not crash into Mount Everest. There's a 'scary' moment where they think Jackson drowned. But he doesn't.

I roll my eyes as Jackson and Kate reunite (Gordon who?). Fade to Black

When the waters recede, everything is wonderful. Adrian and Laura are together, too. And guess what continent never flooded? Africa. Isn't that ironic? The poorest continent is now the only real land mass. I guess they didn't need to save those giraffes and elephants. There's plenty of giraffes and elephants in Africa. The alternate ending of the movie has Harry calling Adrian via ship-to-ship radio and Anheuser getting a completely new personality where he apologizes for how he's acted.

I've seen a lot of disaster movies: movies with floods, blizzards, killer asteroids, people trapped in burning skyscrapers and overturned cruise liners. '2012' is jam-packed with cliches and coincidences, not to mention bad science, all the result of  poor writing. I guess because 'The Day After Tomorrow' was so successful and it had questionable science, Emmerich concluded that audiences don't care about ridiculous science, as long as the movie is entertaining. This movie grossed over $769M worldwide, so he must be right.

My Rating: 4/10

Links:
IMDB page for the movie
Wikipedia page for the movie
Script for the movie

Could This Happen, Scientifically?:
US Geological Society - "Earth's spinning core provides magnetic protection and disaster movie material" - 2012 posits that the Earth's crust would move if its core melted. This link explains why that isn't even sound science.
Steve Krause's treatise on Charles Hapgood and how ECD is not sound science. The movie points out that Albert Einstein 'endorsed' his book, Earth's Shifting Crust, but this was before the theory of plate techtonics. Also, when I read his forward, Einstein never says he has decided that it's right. He only says that he was "electrified" about this "original" idea and that scientists should explore it to see if it's correct. "[T]his rather astonishing, even fascinating, idea deserves the serious attention of anyone who concerns himself with the theory of the earth's development."
Wikipedia's page about Charles Hapgood. Note: Hapgood was *not* a scientist. He had a Master's in Medieval and Modern History and his PhD work was on the French Revolution. His theories are based on *ancient maps,* drawn by people with ancient tools. Things aren't drawn in proportion, but Hapgood says that they're close enough to prove that there was a dramatic shift in the poles. He posits that Antarctica is only covered with ice because of this shift. (Modern science has categorically disproved this.)
PDFs of Hapgood's 2 books: The Earth's Shifting Crust and Maps of the Ancient Sea Kings.

Doomsday Links:

Wikipedia article on the 2012 phenomenon
ABC News article from 10/20/10 - Phew! 2012 Doomsday Date May Be Wrong
History Channel article from 12/2/11 - Mayans Never Predicted December 2012 Apocalypse, Researchers Say
The Huffington Post article from 12/19/12 - Mayan Calendar And The End-Of-The-World Explained
National Geographic article from 12/20/11 - End of World in 2012? Maya "Doomsday" Calendar Explained
Scientific American article - Neither the Maya Calendar--nor the World--Ends on December 21, 2012
USA Today article from 5/10/12 - Newly discovered Mayan calendar goes way past 2012
Vigilant Citizen article - The Hidden Symbolic Meaning of the Movie '2012'