The Decoy Bride (2011)

There's something about this 2011 romantic comedy that I love. I'm not quite sure what it is, but I really, really do. Perhaps it's the Scottish accents, or the British humor, or the fact that it stars David Tennant as the milquetoast fiance of the world's most beloved actress, but it's a film that I've watched many times. The mood hits me and I turn it on (and never regret it). If you love all things British and like intelligent RomComs then this is one not to miss.

The movie starts with 'the Wedding of the Century,' where Lara Tyler (Alice Eve) is getting married. She emerges from a building, face hidden by her veil. Her adoring fans scream in delight and paparazzi are everywhere. She climbs into a car and drives away. Shortly afterward another bride emerges, and then another, wedding dress and veil in yet another color. Everyone wants pictures of her upcoming nuptials and the telly and the papers wonder if author James Arber (David Tennant) is the one. Arber is the author of one book:  The Ornithologist's Wife, and Lara absolutely loves it. As the movie continues, we learn that the book is verbose, self-important and huge (probably 1,000 pages or so) and not very successful.

We switch to the chapel, where Lara's publicist, Steve (Michael Urie), and his assistant, Emma (Sally Phillips), have arranged the real wedding. Steve is quite pleased with his cleverness (over the multi-bride scheme) and asks if there's any sign of Marco Ballani (Federico Castelluccio). Who's Marco Ballani? Only Lara's most dogged paparazzo, who is so dedicated to getting his shot that he's been hidden in the church's organ for several days (illustrated by the bottles of urine at his feet). Lara walks down the aisle to 'Panis Angelicus' -- what a song to choose, 'Bread of Angels' -- and immediately discovers him. She grabs a candlestick and chases him out of the church. Lara vows not to lose to "that disease of a man" and declares that they're going to have to go somewhere "crazy remote" to get married.

You might think this is their story, a rehash of Notting Hill, where an ordinary man loves a megastar actress, but it's not. This is not their love story. The start of the movie is there to introduce us to the main obstacle to our one true pair living happily ever after: he's engaged to someone else, a someone who is one of the most popular and beloved actresses on the planet. Cue Ingrid Michaelson's "Be OK" and the island of Hegg. Our heroine, Katie Nic Aodh (Kelly MacDonald) is on a boat, riding towards the island. She looks crushed, lost. As Hegg comes closer, she looks down at her engagement ring and chucks it into the ocean.

As she walks in the rain with her suitcases, it becomes evident that she has decided to move home to the Sunshine Bed & Breakfast, her mother's inn. She tries to look cheerful as she enters, but Mum knows.

They end up slogging through the rain -- well, Katie pushing her Mum, since Mum is in a wheelchair -- to the wedding of Katie's old beau, Angus (Hamish Clark), the one she left behind for Edinburgh. Mum assures her that she'll find someone worthy of her, if she doesn't stay on the island and hide. Katie likes that idea - she's sworn off men for good, since she's kryptonite to men.

At the reception, she tells the Laird, William, that she's "gone man vegan." The Laird tells her that Hegg's the right spot to try it; there are no single men anywhere (except for him). Awkward smiles because he's old enough to be her father (and that wasn't a pick-up line). One of the grannies reminds him that he has to dance with everyone, oldest to youngest, and the Laird quips that it's "the dance of the dead."

Katie gets her old job back at McValue's (the local store) and the Laird recruits her to write a guidebook for Hegg. (Her recent job in Edinburgh was writing copy for clothes catalogs.) There's tons of copies of The Ornithologist's Wife lying around -- it is about Hegg, after all. It's obvious to everyone on the island that the author has never set foot on Hegg and they like to use the book for toilet paper. The Laird wants the guidebook for a marketing conference. Katie thinks it's strange that marketers are coming to Hegg, but agrees.

Chapter One. The island of Hegg lies half-drowned and wind-battered, the furthermost drop of the outermost spray of the curling wave of the Outer Hebrides. It has a population of 75, a majority of whom are probably about... 75... or even older. Though Hegg no doubt has a certain charm, it has never been a popular stop on the tourist trail. Even the Vikings never showed the slightest interest in us. But the islanders remain a hardy and resourceful people. All those under 50 are now married, except one. The island has one B&B, which offers the traditional Scottish breakfast of haggis, sausage, chips and beans, or if you're feeling more metropolitan, you can have the continental breakfast: a bread roll, two Weetabix and a Snickers bar.

The marketers aren't marketers at all. It's Emma and Steve, Lara's publicist. They arrive and transform the Laird's castle (which they've rented because of Lara and the book). Lara and James arrive and James has no clue where they are. When Lara tells him, he plays it off well, so she doesn't notice. She quotes his book: "The sea turns and shakes its manacles of salt at the sharp rocks on which too many waves have died." James is horrified at its pretentiousness... only to have her tell him it's from his book.

Chapter One continues: If you can safely navigate the many rabbit holes, Hegg can be a great place to ramble. And as the islanders say, if you don't like the weather here, just wait 20 minutes and maybe you will. End of Chapter One.

Walking about, working on the guidebook, Katie's been caught in a downpour and takes shelter in the local haunted -- or not -- toilet. This location appears quite a few times in movie and is where our couple meets each other for the first time.

Chapter Two. Hegg's top hot spots. The people of the island are rightly proud of this aging public amenity. The ornate urinals are enameled in peacock colours, while the cow-sized cubicle is... genuinely frightening.

James hurries in from out of the same rain, lost on his trek from the castle because he was using the map at the back of his book. Katie hides. She mistakes him for the Laird and tries to scare him as the cow who supposedly haunts said toilet. It doesn't work and when she comes out, James refers to the toilet as her home. She doesn't recognize him so he says that his name is John Johnson.

After the rain stops, Katie guides him back to the castle. In the process, she shares the islanders' less than favorable opinion of his book: The Hegg Book Club gave it 4 out of 10. Katie adds that she thought the love story was just soulless. She asks if the author's written a new one and when James says no, she says: "God. It's been years. Either he's very, very blocked or it's even longer than that one. Can you imagine?" She offers to carry the book, since its so big and heavy.

When James finally gets his bearings, Katie decides to try her luck: "But if you ever fancy a coffee, I just live at the B&B over... down there, with my mother. Just... I'm around most of the time and I'm a whole lot hotter than I look." She's mortified when he says he has to work.

Marco Ballani - the dogged paparazzo that Lara can't shake - has arrived on the island and taken a room at the B&B. He's dressed as a monk, but Mum thinks it's fishy. He camps out and is spotted in a tree by the church by Lara and Emma. Lara bolts, so as not to be seen, which leads to the main bulk of the movie: Steve recruits Katie to be a substitute bride for Lara, so that Marco can get his picture and Lara can have her private ceremony. He hides Katie under layers of lace so she stumbles when she walks, and James doesn't find out about the switch until after the ceremony is over.

Because it's a romantic comedy, you know that Katie and James are going to fall for each other. I'm not spoiling that for you. Even from the beginning, there are signs that all is not well in Lara-James land. She's avid for his book, but he's never told her that he's never been to Hegg, let alone met the Ornithologist's wife. When she quotes his book, he doesn't even recognize his owning writing and thinks it's rather pretentious. When she tells him to "Starve me of yourself. Turn me concave with caverns of longingness." James is even more appalled that he wrote that, since longingness isn't even a word, and there's a bit of awkwardness when she says that she was just expressing herself.

There's a marked difference between how James is with Lara and how he is with Katie. Every time I see James and Lara together, I'm struck with how uncomfortable he seems and how much he doesn't really smile. She's in a love bubble and all signs points to James trying to be the man she wants instead of being the man she wants.

When he's with Katie, on the other hand, his self-effacing wit comes out and he smiles often. Her realness and the realness of Hegg attract him, because Lara's world - not necessary Lara, herself - is so very fake. Both women are kind and beautiful, but their beauty reflects the place where they live: Lara is beautiful in a conventional Hollywood manner, with perfect hair and makeup. Katie is beautiful in a more authentic way; she doesn't worry so much over her hair getting mussed and her spirit is like the island she comes from. And James increasingly finds Hegg beautiful.

At one point, Katie asks him how he knows that Lara is 'the one.' He answers:

You know, they asked 10,000 men to name their ideal partner and 9,800 said Lara. Statistically that includes at least 800 gay men. If you're male and Lara Tyler's interested in you, she's the one, it's kind of a rule. If you can't be happy with Lara Tyler, you can't be happy with anyone.

Not very convincing and at this point in the story James doesn't seem too convinced either.

Every time I watch this movie, the scene where they part hits me, because it's a feeling I think anyone can relate to at some point: longing for someone and feeling inadequate in that someone's eyes. Katie asks him to stay:

If things don't work out with Lara... I mean, she's perfect, obviously. But she gives you block. So maybe you're not one of the 9,800. That's not so impossible, is it? 'Cause then you could not marry her. Then you could stay here. With me.

A kiss hangs between them and then he kisses her on the forehead. Katie's voice starts to break as she says: "I know. This is where you tell me I'm just one chapter, not a whole book." It harkens back to earlier when she was explaining how her now ex-fiance, a musician, told her when he dumped her that she was just one song and not a whole album. Makes me get misty every time.

I won't spoil the ending, because it's rather awesome, but much of the dialogue refers back to their conversations. We're even treated to the introduction to the second edition of Katie's guidebook, Hegg - An Island History, Second Edition.

The island of Hegg is the furthermost drop of the outermost spray of the curling wave of the Outer Hebrides. But for those curious enough to take some time to discover her, Hegg's cliffs and moorlands, meadows and sandy beaches reveal her to be an island ready to exceed all expectations, a tiny rock of perfection jutting out of the restless Hebridean Sea.

This movie has the typical British humor to it: dry, witty, a bit odd. (I love that kind of stuff.) Some of the strange situations make me chuckle; they're not out-loud moments, but quiet ones that you'll miss if you're not paying attention. I also appreciate the way that throw-away lines are referenced in little details later in the film (Ex: Steve tells Emma to get him the construction crew of 'Bonnie Prince Charlie' and then later, when James and Katie bust out of the wall of the room they're trapped in, the wall of the set piece has 'Bonnie Prince Charlie' stamped on it.)

There's also many nice moments in it. One of my favorites is when James is wearing Katie's dad's clothes. He stumbles across a deaf couple and, after they mistake him, pretends to play the bagpipes as they dance. He's struck by how absolutely beautiful their love for each other is, because they only see each other when they're dancing. It strikes me, too.

I didn't give this movie a 10 because the actress who played the 'woman who launched a thousand campaigns' (Lara) just didn't live up to her reputation. Don't get me wrong, Alice Eve, is perfectly fine, is quite pretty and plays Lara with an engaging realness and sincerity that you just like her, but she didn't have the charisma to play the woman that 9,800 men would name as their ideal partner. I'm not sure who I think should have played her - Jennifer Lawrence is too young. Rachel McAdams? Emily Blunt? I can think of plenty of beautiful 'hot' women but she has to be someone women would want as their best friend, too.

Despite this minor flaw, the movie is worth it, for the scenery shots alone. If you love things British, this should definitely be on your watch list. After all, it stars the 10th Doctor.

My Rating: 9.5/10


Links:

The Modern Jane Austen - Why "The Decoy Bride" is the Movie to Watch This Valentines Day
The Silver Petticoat Review of 'The Decoy Bride
14 Shades of Grey Review - “He’s an emotionally retarded arty boy who’s in love with another woman. Of course I like him.”
8tracks Radio listing of 'The Decoy Bride' soundtrack