Battleship (2012)

Someone out there decided that since Hasbro's Transformers was such a money maker, they should adapt other Hasbro toys into full-length motion pictures. This genius not only included Battleship, but Candy Land, Monopoly and Stretch Armstrong (according to Wikipedia). (Clue was also in there, but there's already been an awesome film made in 1985, so anything else would be a retread, or a bad Sherlock Holmes/Hercules Poirot rip-off.) Thus cometh 2012's Battleship.

Going in, I was cautiously optimistic. I mean, they're making a movie based on a plastic board game that's been around since the late 60s. Who hasn't played Battleship at some point? Unfortunately, the idea that it was going to be lame was an understatement.

We start by meeting our hero, Lt. Alex Hopper, played by Taylor Kitsch. At the time, Kitsch was the "It" boy because of his performance as Tim Riggins in 'Friday Night Lights,' and this movie was expected to be one that only helped in his climb to the top. Uh, no. This and the movie bomb that is 'John Carter' pretty much tanked things. But I'm digressing, which is easy to do. The film is pretty forgettable.

So, our hero, Alex, is a disrespectful hot-head, full of potential, of course. (He just hasn't found the motivation to use it.) He has found the motivation to romance and impress Sam (Brooklyn Decker), the daughter of the U.S. Navy's Pacific Fleet Commander, Admiral Terrance Shane (Liam Neeson). In fact, he comes across as pretty much a complete loser who is only staying out of jail because of his older brother, Stone (Alexander Skarsgard).

After Alex's latest stunt, which caused thousands of dollars worth of damage to a store -- to get Sam a burrito -- Stone keeps him out of jail by making him enlist. And even though he's a hothead who doesn't like authority, that sleeping potential gets him a Lt. position as Tactical Action Officer to the U.S.S. John Paul Jones. Stone is XO of the U.S.S. Sampson.

During fleet exercises involving both brothers' ships, five alien ships arrive. They've come in response to a signal that NASA has been sending. (So we *called* them here.) Their communication ship collides with a satellite and crashes, but the rest of the ships land off the coast. (They can transverse galaxies but don't have the sensors or shielding to avoid damage from a small flimsy satellite.) Bro's ship, Alex's ship and a Japanese battleship, Myoko, are dispatched to investigate. Of course, our intrepid hero, plus Raikes (Rihanna) and Beast (John Tui) are sent on the skiff that heads out to investigate the structure the aliens erect. He touches the thing, which leads to the aliens generating a force field which surrounds the islands and cuts them off from the rest of the Pacific fleet. (Again, they can travel safely through space but a simple touch causes alarm and defensive postures.)

The aliens' weapons pop up to defend themselves, but they don't *act.* Bro fires a warning shot, which the aliens respond to, Alex fires on the ship from the skiff, and this hostility leads to the Sampson and the Myoko being sunk. Alex's brother dies. (Because that's what's going to drive Alex to finally live up to his potential -- the lust for revenge!) The CO and XO of the JPJ are killed, too, so Alex becomes the man in charge. Yeah, the hot head's in charge.

The aliens send attack drones to Oahu and they destroy a few things. Sam is out with retired double amputee Mick Canakes (Gregory Gadson - who is a real-life hero who lost both his legs from an IED in Iraq). They end of connecting with scientist Cal Zapata (Hamish Linklater) to take on the aliens who have taken over Zapata's communications array. They realize that the attacks on the island were targeted, rather than random, designed to prevent the US military from attacking.

The Battleship connection comes in the JPJ using tsunami warning buoys to target the ships. Really? The sequence goes on forever. But no one says "You sunk my Battleship!"

Of course, the humans win, with Alex distinguishing himself - because he just had to be motivated to be able to use his potential! They use retired vets and the decommissioned USS Missouri -- the ship where the Japanese's surrender in WWII was signed -- to damage the mess out of the Mothership with the Missouri's huge non-computerized guns. They're lucky and disable the aliens' force field, so the rest of the fleet can swoop in and save the day. (And keep the USS Missouri, a historic ship that was decommissioned after distinguished service, safe.)

Of course, this experience has transformed Alex so the Admiral no longer objects to his relationship with Sam. Plus, he's so awesome that he's going to be come a Navy SEAL. Even though he basically has a history of being a slacker hothead and with a problem with authority. Those work really well as SEALs.

The thing that really bugged me about this movie is -- besides being uber predictable -- is how the aliens aren't hostile until the humans are hostile first. They could have come out, guns blazing, from the minute they land, but instead they only attack to defend themselves. They could have flown in and destroyed the entire fleet with their superior technology, but they don't. And instead of decimating everything, they only damage as much as necessary to keep themselves from being attacked. Instead of killing whatever human they come across, they leave the non-threats alone and stop attacking threats when they're disabled. *They only act against threats.*

So who's to say that they were actually planning on conquering the Earth? Even though Alex had that telepathic moment, I didn't interpret what he saw as a threat. The war-mongering Earthlings brought the fight on themselves. And if the communications ship hadn't have crashed, the aliens might have been able to communicate with us. After all, they answered the signal we sent. And maybe they were building the communications array so that they can communicate with these stupid Earthlings who are trying to kill them when they came in peace.

My rating: 2.5/10

Links:

Game vs. Watch – Battleship
Collider.com - 18 Things We Learned about Peter Berg’s BATTLESHIP from Our Editing Room Visit
Huffington Post - Why Battleship Falls Flat With College Students
IMDB page for the movie
Wikipedia page for the movie
Forbes.com - $220 Million Battleship Flop Sinks Not Only Universal Pictures, But Activision Game
The Slate - Fact-Checking Battleship: Could We Really Revive the “Mighty Mo”?

Reviews:

RogerEbert.com review for the movie
Rotten Tomatoes page for the movie
LA Times review - Aliens can have this 'Battleship'
NY Daily News review - "Battleship is the worst humans-fighting-aliens movie I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen a lot of humans-fighting-aliens movies."